"Numerous times, I’ve danced with the devil and have partaken in many rituals in which I never even signed up for, or bargained for. You asked me, “What does YOUR life amount to?” I say to you “What does it even matter? We’re not here to live, we’re here to survive and make the best of what we got, it’s life that is testing us and teaching us things we either take to heart, or spit out and never look back.”
Have you ever looked back? It’s not about the successes or the failures we make, it’s about the point in trying to achieve everything we are all worthy of. We are all worthy of something. Whether you believe it or not, we are all worthy of something.
I’ve taken sips of whisky with the loneliest of sailors and we sang the blues. I spoke of many things and how unhappy I was with where I was. He told me his ship had sailed to and fro many places, and how he had lost the battle to a treacherous tidal wave that took him down, I was taken down. He asked me well, “why don’t you fight the waters and build something new? “I replied with “there’s no hope in fighting for something that is already lost.” We both than took another swig and acted as if nothing was wrong, and pretended such conversation never took place. We knew it wasn’t going to register anyways, we knew we liked the life we chose and nothing currently amounted our preachings anyway.
Maybe all we needed was to fill our body with toxins at the time to learn to appreciate anything. All I know is that I wanted to fit in, but I didn’t even have the proper size shoes to walk in myself so, how is it I expected to be comfortably wrapped into the arms of something, or someone else? We both had one thing in common and that was that we not only fell off board but we found comfort in the shape of a bottle. Drinking like there was no tomorrow, there was always tomorrow.
Tomorrow came and it was the sun that had risen and a new day had been given. We wandered about and tried finding a better place to be. Life threw us many things in which we chose to trash. Day turned to night and it was empty conversations poured into the air, poured into our lungs. Everything we sang was flat and out of tune, but we didn’t care. All we breathed was the air of ignorance and a bottle of confidence. I thought we had it made and life’s worries ate our desolate minds. We ignored the calls, we ignored the falls.
It was one day I woke and something new was felt… Everything became exasperating and everything was painted differently. I looked everywhere for you but you were… Gone… Gone like the wind. It was then I realized… You were just a ghost and your teachings finally took place. I took a sigh of relief and finally started my journey towards the sun. I was alone but I was finally not afraid, I knew you were somewhere about laughing at the fool you had made. All I know is… It wasn’t me, what does your life amount to?"-Amber Haiku
